Why is Letting Go of Control so Difficult?
Overfunctioning is like a treadmill that won’t stop. It can look like decision anxiety, people-pleasing, rumination or overthinking, self-criticism, or trouble relaxing.
Spontaneity, creativity, joy, humor, and softer emotions become harder to access. One might develop fatigue, snap at loved ones, forget things, or stay awake at night – which all seem to somehow push overperformance even stronger. It can feel like the only safe way to function, even when it keeps loved ones at a distance. What if the same kind of sharp, focused attention that was so helpful at work doesn’t seem to help the same way at home?
Why am I so Burnt Out?
Think of the way an airline pilot has to stay alert for their job. To keep everyone safe and arrive at the correct destination, a pilot constantly monitors the weather, the plane, switches and gauges, and nearby traffic. Their attention must run through checklists, procedures, and thousands of decisions every single day. Imagine how dangerous it would be for the pilot’s mind not to work in this way. With the right training and repetition, this part of a pilot’s mind becomes strongly developed.
We see this in other professions, too. Healthcare workers, first responders, military service members, and teachers also carry a weighty responsibility day in and day out. The problem is, there isn’t always an “off” switch. It may feel too uncomfortable to just ease up, take a break, put oneself first, ask for something, or be playful. It may even feel unsafe, if the safety of yourself or others has depended on your alertness.
Our economic culture demands productivity and actively discourages rest, religiously so. Overfunctioning may fulfill a deep-seated need to be responsible, helpful, a good caregiver, or a good enough person. No wonder, then, it may feel like the automatic choice – or the safest one, anyway – to lose oneself in work, even at the expense of one’s own emotional center.
Overperformance becomes an occupational hazard when it lowers your quality of life or emotional wellbeing. Try as we might, we can’t dismiss emotions altogether – they can be useful. Even at work, being part of a team requires healthy access to emotion.
Therapist for Overfunctioning, Overthinking and Rumination - Serving CT, MD, MA and VA
Many of us come to therapy strong in insight but seeking lasting change. Perhaps in previous therapy, a limit or plateau was reached that didn’t get talked about. Perhaps there was yet more to process, more to learn about old habits. For overthinkers especially, insight alone just be a feedback loop: more to think about yet again.
Therapy gets moving as we start to identify and change patterns. When we begin to understand the story of overfunctioning, we can introduce something different. Often, when I work with someone who is concerned about their overfunctioning, we discover myriad ways this trait has also been helpful, protective, productive, and a valued personality trait. It’s not all that bad! We are allowed to have mixed feelings about any change we hope to make.
Taking a compassionate, curious stance towards change is the first step in reducing overfunctioning. It allows us to accept and meet our own selves exactly where we are. Not intellectually bypassing it, not adding another thing to the to-do list, not fixing it – simply allowing, observing, inquiring, and sitting together with that.
3 Ways to Reduce Rumination or Overthinking
Want something to try now? Here are 3 ways you can practice with your own rumination today:
Sit with Uncertainty
If thinking helps solve a problem or process emotions, that’s not usually what brings someone to therapy. If thinking helps you sort out your values, fix something, confront someone, respond critically to world events, or learn something new, fabulous.
Does overthinking prevent you from tolerating the unknown at all? Does the need to figure it all out now distract you from sleep, relationships, or enjoying what you’re doing in the moment? For some, it may feel impossible to have any unfinished mental business. Next time you notice that, see if you can just sit with how it feels to have an unanswered question. No problem-solving, no deep breathing exercises, no distraction - just take a minute and notice any feelings or thoughts that come up, and don’t do anything about it.
Change the Channel
Sometimes, minds just want to think. We can’t necessarily just stop thinking and bliss out. This is where meditation practice sounds really appealing - but, even experienced meditators insist the thinking mind will still go on and on if you keep fighting it. Instead of trying to stop thinking, consider “changing the channel.” Come up with 5 pleasant or neutral topics to think about instead of the one you are most fixated on now. Mine are gardening, cooking, fashion, accomplishments of family and friends, and hangout ideas. Remember, thinking can be fun and help us live free - not a trap!
De-Fuse from Thinking
How many of your thoughts are truly your own? Who does the thinking? Did the thought come from you, your family, work, or dominant stories in the media? If that question rouses a frustrating curiosity, read on. Thoughts are not necessarily facts; they are mental events that can eventually formulate what becomes a fact. Making a decision or putting our thoughts together about an issue is a process, after all.
Cognitive de-fusion is the practice of taking a step back from one’s thoughts and dis-identifying from them a bit. Try adding, “I’m having the thought that…” to whatever you’re stuck on. It’s a practice from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) that focuses more on changing one’s relationship to thinking rather than challenging or correcting the thoughts. People who adopt this practice say it actually makes their thinking clearer and more discerning.
Want to learn about how to get started in therapy? I work with individuals and couples in Connecticut, Maryland, Massachusetts and Virginia. Request your free consult now.